


don’t threaten me with a good time

by jitteryfinch



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: AU, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, Mind Control, The Suffering Game, Wonderland, Wonderland Triplets, Wonderland Twins, implied taakitz - Freeform, lots of spells
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-01-22 22:59:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18537205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jitteryfinch/pseuds/jitteryfinch
Summary: The Wonderlands twins are incredibly charming, and Taako gets a new job.





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m not just gonna strut across the catwalk for your delight!” Taako protested, a look of deep personal affront on his face even while manic joy danced in his eyes. It was all he could do to keep from grinning.

“I think it’s what we’re supposed—“ Magnus barely had the words out of his mouth when the wizard interrupted with a melodramatic sigh.

“All right, fine, I’ll be the hero as always. Hang on to your socks, Taako’s ‘bout to make this runway his bitch.” He announced, grandiose as ever, as he undid the end of his braid and flicked it over his shoulder, letting it fall into loose curls as he snapped his fingers. Immediately his shirt turned magenta, unbuttoning itself halfway down his chest as the hem of his skirt jumped from just above the knee to high up his thighs. His boots sprouted heels and ribbons came to criss-cross up his bare legs and disappear under his skirt. Sneaking a glance at his friends out of the corner of his eye, he saw them both with mouths agape.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He mused, making his way over to the catwalk before stopping short at the waist-high ledge. “Fuck. I should’ve done that first.” Taako muttered, rolling his eyes as he struggled to clamber up onto the platform in six-inch heels. Once he was upright again, however, he merely took a second to adjust his hat and began.

The very room reacted as soon as he passed through the spotlight, the lights above starting to flash and spin in bright colors over his path down the runway. Shoulders back. Head high. Hand on hip. Smize. The mannequins were losing their minds, and rightly so. He knew he looked fly as hell. By the time he reached the end of the catwalk, the roar from the artificial crowd was deafening.

The volume decreased suddenly, as though someone had turned a dial down, and Edward’s voice echoed through the room.

“What a remarkable performance!” He praised, and Taako crinkled his nose in distaste. “No, really, I’m impressed! What do you think?”

“Mm, yes, I quite agree!” Lydia chimed in. “I’d like to see it without all the glitz.”

“Oh, yes, let’s break this act down, shall we?”

A cold rush through the room and Taako was back in his normal clothes, which wouldn’t have been a problem, except that he felt his glamours fizzle and dissolve in the spell’s wake. Panic rose in his chest as the mannequin audience recoiled with a myriad of gasps, and he went to step back but found his feet glued to the spot. Instead he stared straight down at the ground and set his jaw tight, clenching his hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

Suddenly there was a presence at his side, and a strong hand curled around his hip.

“Such a shame about that pretty face of yours.” Edward cooed, digging his fingers into Taako’s flesh, making him scowl. 

“Oh, yes, truly. What a sacrifice that was.” Lydia agreed, moving a hand to cradle Taako’s chin and jerking his head up to inspect him more closely. She clicked her tongue disapprovingly, her eyes sweeping over his face as he glared her down. Humming as she thought, she glanced at Edward, a glint of malice in her eye.

“I don’t know if we can let that stand, Eddie.” She murmured. “What do you say we strike up a deal?”

Taako’s glare didn’t waver, but the way his ears twitched gave away his hope.

“Oh, interested? Wonderful.” Edward crooned, beaming at him.

“Edward and I have been thinking about adding a third.” Lydia explained, sharing a knowing smile with her brother before directing her attention back to Taako. “The position’s yours, if you want it.” She kept grinning as she spoke, and squeezed his jaw a little in her hand. Magic warmed up her palm, making Taako start and try to shake her off as enchantment fogged his brain. She held tight, leaving him to try to blink the spell out of his eyes. 

Charm Person.

“You’ve got to be joking.” Taako complained, not paying any mind to the black smoke that floated out of his mouth as he spoke. Lydia giggled, and when the smoke cleared, her smile seemed much more genuine.

“It’s a pretty great gig, I’ve got to say! And I think you’re perfect for it.” Edward said, and Taako felt a flutter in his stomach at the compliment. Were they impressed? He’d certainly been impressed by them when he came in, with their fantastic clothes and sharp movements and matching smirks...

He shook his head hard, trying to push the thought away, but Lydia ran a manicured nail up the shell of his ear, and he melted forward into her hand, sighing his satisfaction. “Of course, we couldn’t have you on board looking like this.” She stated, her eyes scanning him from head to toe. “We’d have to restore what we took from you. Certainly against the rules, but for you, darling, we’ll make the exception.”

“Taako!” Magnus’ voice cut through the confusion, and the wizard snapped his head up to see his friends being held firm by all the mannequins. It looked to be difficult work to keep them off the catwalk, the way they pushed and shoved, but Taako only squinted at them curiously. Why didn’t they like the games? He supposed it hadn’t been so bad, the games they’d been playing.

“You’ll change me back to how I was?” Taako clarified, and the twins both gave eager nods. “Lit, all right. Stunner central, let’s do it.”

The twins’ laugh was so loud and so lively that it may have just been screams, and Taako couldn’t help but grin along with them. They cut off their laugh in perfect unison, both leaning in to press a kiss on each of his cheeks. 

The effect is immediate, and for a moment, Taako has perfect clarity. He realized his hands were free to move, and they flew to his face, shivering as he found himself exactly as he’d always been.

“Oh, fuck.” Taako’s voice was so quiet, so relieved that it practically broke on the curse. “Oh, thank fucking Istus.”

“You could thank us, instead.” Edward pouted, his hand sliding around from Taako’s hip to squeeze his ass.

“Yeah, yeah, thanks, babes.” He said dismissively, sucking in one deep breath before letting his hands drop again. “Cool. I’m in.”

“Beautiful.” Lydia replied, and Taako quirked an eyebrow at her, the corner of his lips tugging into a prideful smirk.

“Oh, I know.”


	2. Chapter 2

The three elves stood elevated on the catwalk, smiling and exchanging quips in hushed tones, and anyone would be hard-pressed to guess which was the odd one out. 

Taako had quite nearly forgotten why he came in here in the first place and was only reminded when Merle was suddenly catapulted through the air, landing just a few feet in front of them. Magnus was close behind, pulling himself up onto the runway and rushing in towards the three. The wizard startled, ears pressing back tightly to his skull, but the twins on either side of him merely looked over at the rest of his party, slight annoyance marring their otherwise perfect features.

“Oh, no need for any more fuss. I suppose you can leave now, we’ve had our fun.” Edward stated. His hand stopped toying with the end of Taako’s skirt to wave dismissively towards them, and a section of the wall slid away. Light shone in from the outside (Taako spared a cloudy thought to wonder what time it was, how long he’d been in here) as a door to the Felicity Wilds opened up. 

“We’re not leaving without Taako.” Magnus insisted.

“And also the bell.” Merle chimed in, and Magnus shot him a look.

“Well, yeah, also the bell, obviously, but Taako first.” Magnus clarified, turning his attention back to the elves. Lydia slid a hand across the front of Taako’s body, settling squarely in the center of his chest, and he was too distracted by the attention to perceive the threat it carried.

“Oh, no, this sweet boy is staying with us.” Lydia said, and now there’s a bite behind her smile.

“Like hell he is!” Magnus advanced towards them, but Taako stayed planted where he stood, any trace of tension gone from his stance. “Come on, bud, let’s go.” Magnus reached out a hand to grab his shoulder, but the twins pull Taako back.

“Oh. Uh, Taako’s good in here.” He replied, and though his tone and body language was unaffected, his normally piercing eyes had a glassy blankness to them.

“See? He likes it here.” Edward jumped in, twirling a lock of his golden blonde hair around his finger.

“Taako, you’re being charmed. Don’t let them use you.” Merle interjected, and the wizard looked over at him with an expression of vague amusement.

“It’s fine, homie. Chill. It’s under control.” He said, the epitome of composure, except his brow was twitching a little, almost furrowing in frustration before smoothing itself out again.

“We’ve got to snap him out of it.” Merle warned in a low voice. Magnus’ gaze jumped back and forth between the dwarf and the elf, a deeply upset frown forming on his face before he stepped forward.

The next thing Taako knew was the back of the fighter’s hand against his cheek as he was knocked forcefully back, Magnus smacking him hard enough to make his ears ring. He landed on the floor in a heap, stars dancing in front of his eyes. He lay there unmoving for a long while, but when he sat up, he kept one hand pressed tight to the side of his face, cringing at the coppery taste of blood in his mouth.

Four pairs of eyes stared down at him. Lydia and Edward both looked aghast, and even Merle had a wide-eyed look of panic, but Magnus’ face was unreadable. His mouth was moving, quickly and frantically, but Taako couldn’t hear over the pounding of his own heart in his ears. Fumbling for his umbrastaff, he got to his feet and pointed the weapon straight at Magnus.

“Get out.” He spat, but no one moved. In fact, Magnus stepped closer to him again. With a whispered spell and a flick of his wrist, the umbrastaff started to crackle with energy, lightning flickering around its tip. Magnus stopped dead in his tracks. “Go. Before I change my mind.”

“That’s the idea!” Magnus yelled, and that was the last straw. Taako started to fire off a spell at him, but didn’t manage to complete it. The umbrastaff flared up in his hands, burning his palms and making him drop it on the floor. He swore under his breath as he looked down at the angry red skin on his hands, hissing at the pain. Lydia moved to stand beside him again, and when she cradled his hands in hers, it soothed away immediately. 

“Oh, poor thing.” She murmured softly, cooing over his wounds even as she waved a hand to Edward, who turned to Merle and Magnus. “Here, allow me.”

Taako couldn’t look away from his hands as she traced her fingers along the lines of his palms, watching as the burn faded from his skin. She took her time, and Taako could hear the fighting, but it seemed so distant and far-off, and he couldn’t bring himself to worry about it. He simply watched Lydia heal him, and once she was finished, she interlaced their fingers together and gave him a friendly smile.

Having her standing in front of him, fussing over his pain, made something familiar tug in his gut, powerful enough to bring tears to his eyes. He frowned, unable to pin a specific memory down as what felt like a lifetime fluttered hazily out of his reach. When static blurred out his thoughts, he gave up trying.

“Better?” She asked.

“Mmhmm, yeah. Thanks.” Taako responded, finally looking up. Over Lydia’s shoulder, he only saw Edward with his back to them, saw the door slide shut. 

His friends were gone.

His friends were here.


	3. Chapter 3

Taako was dressed in the second or third most glamorous outfit he’d ever worn. Eh, second, he decided with some sense of finality- there was no way it could beat the backless blue jumpsuit he’d worn on his hundredth birthday, but it was probably better than the poofy white tuxedo ball gown from his first press tour for Sizzle It Up. His new look was a glittering emerald green bodysuit, with long, flowing sleeves that hung off his shoulders, and golden stiletto boots that climbed just past his knees.

The twins had helped him conjure it, taking frenzied joy in getting him out of his adventuring gear and into the flashy ensemble. He didn’t mind— in fact, now that he had his beauty restored, he felt like himself again, and he was thrilled to model for them. 

Now all three of them were lounging on a plushy, oversized loveseat, with Taako nestled between the two and both Edward and Lydia working putting his hair into a complicated, symmetrical updo.

“We’re so excited to have you here. Aren’t we, Edward?” Lydia singsonged, scraping her nails along his scalp as she fixed his hair and giggling when he leaned into her touch.

“Yes, ecstatic.” He agreed. “I almost don’t want to go back to work.” 

Lydia gave an extravagant sigh, jutting her bottom lip into a pout. “Ugh. Can’t they just torture themselves for a while down there?”

“How Fantasy Sartre of you.” Taako quipped dryly, and both twins break out into laughter. Edward planted his hand high on Taako’s bare thigh as he snickered, making his shoulders tense up and his ears press back, but Lydia rubbed the back of his neck, and that warm feeling made him relax again.

Once they’d stopped giggling, Lydia sighed again. “I guess we could starve them out for a bit. Haven’t done that in a while.” She suggested, as casually as if she were discussing the weather.

“They might eat each other again.” Edward protested, and Lydia made a face.

“Ew.” She cringed, but then gave her brother a pointed look. “Those screams were some of the best we’ve ever had, though.”

“That’s true.” Edward replied, lackadaisical as ever. The words reached Taako as if through a thick film, and something in his stomach twisted in protest, but he couldn’t seem to pay it any mind over the soft cushions and pleasant smiles and gentle tracing touches over his shoulders.

“Let’s have Taako try a round on the wheel.” Lydia said, and his ears perked up. “You’d love it.”

“Hold... hold on, you want me to spin the fucking wheel again?” He asked, arching an eyebrow, and she rolled her eyes and gave his shoulder a playful jostle. Again, Taako was hit with that pang of the familial, and he furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to put his finger on what was making his heart ache so badly. Lydia saw the furrow of his brow and placed her hand on his knee, and he stopped worrying.

“No, sweetheart, you get to collect the sacrifices.” She explained, a mischievous grin on her face. “It’s so much fun, and you can get as creative as you want with the results.”

“Collect the sacrifices.” Taako repeated, blinking at her for a moment, before shrugging. “Schweet, yeah, Taako’s got this one in the bag. No prob. Oh!” He leaned forward, hands splayed open with excitement. “I could do an accent. Like, an ominous accent?”

Lydia stared at him, choosing her next words carefully. “I think you should just be yourself, babe. It’ll be perfect.”

Taako rolled his eyes but shrugged a shoulder. “All right, yeah, really can’t improve on anything there. Gotta say.” 

“Wonderful. Let’s go.” The twins each linked an elbow with him, and with a rush of air they were hovering above another group of adventurers, concealed by a layer of thick smoke. Taako peered down at them, trying to discern any details. It was a pair of halflings, one leaning heavily on the other as they stood cowering behind a tall tiefling woman with a bow strapped to her back.

The tiefling was clenching and unclenching her fists, staring at the lit rune on the wheel before her.

Hand.

“An archer, huh? Oof. Rough spin, pumpkin.” Taako drawled, and all three of the figures below snapped their eyes up to look at him. He set his hands on his hips, cocking his head to the side a little as he pretended to consider what to do. “Yeah, this’ll work just fine.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends, thought I’d put a heads-up here that the twins get a little handsy with ch’boi in this chapter. not enough to warrant a tw but yeah. be safe out there. xoxo taakogirl

“It’s about time you got here.” Lydia pouted as Taako sauntered into the room in his usual fashion, with Edward close behind. “I was lonely. What took so long?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, baby, they put up a fucking fight.” Taako muttered, lip twitching in annoyance as he flopped onto the loveseat next to her. She easily sidled underneath his arm, resting her head on his shoulder and locking an ankle around his.

“How was the suffering, though? Good?” She pressed, and Edward laughed as he sat down on his other side.

“Oh, you should’ve heard the little one shriek when he realized he couldn’t heal his sister.” He bragged, and Taako no longer even flinched. “That panic alone could keep us in business for a decade.”

“I didn’t even know clerics had healing spells.” Taako stated, shooting them both a playful look. 

Lydia lifted her head. “What?”

“It’s a joke.” Taako raised an eyebrow, propping himself up on his elbow. “It’s funny, because, uh...” He paused, waving his hand as he searched for the words. “Because, uh, because he never... fuck, you know! The dwarf! He never heals anybody for shit.”

“Mmhmm.” Lydia hummed noncommittally and exchanged a nervous glance with Edward before she pressed her hand to his chest, easing him back down onto the cushions. “Listen, Kokokins, there’s something we wanted to talk to you about.” She prefaced, leaning over him as her brother wrapped his fingers tight around his upper arm.

The panic alarms that should’ve gone off in Taako’s head didn’t make a sound.

“Yeah, what’s cracking?” He asked, and they flashed him two perfectly pleasant smiles.

“You’ve been doing such a great job, and we just love having you here.” Edward praised, and squeezed his arm hard, and suddenly it was hard for Taako to catch his breath.

“We hope you stick around a very long time, but in order to do that, there’s going to have to be some changes.” Lydia added, and the heat blossoming from her hand through Taako’s ribcage almost burned, and he felt like his head was filling up with hot air.

“We want you to become a lich. Like us.” Edward said, and his hand warmed up too. Taako looked down at it, woozy, but the elf caught his chin hard and brought him back up to look at him, leaning in close.

“That way we can stay together forever.” Lydia’s voice sounded a thousand yards away, and Taako could only see violet eyes glistening in front of his, and he didn’t know which of the twins he was looking at, which one was hovering not an inch from his face, which one had their hands on his waist, which one was nuzzling into the joint where his shoulder met his neck, why he felt so warm and lightheaded and intoxicated.

“What do you say?” Lydia’s voice asked, sweet and drawling and tempting, muffled against the skin of his collar.

“Like, right now?” He managed, despite the fact that the lines between he and she and him were blurring and there were hands and nails and lips and teeth on his ears and his jaw and his mouth and in his hair and under his shirt.

“Mm, not right now.” He thought he heard Edward say, as he thought he felt questing fingers snake down his stomach and between his legs. “It’s been ages since we’ve had a warm body to play with.” 

A chime distracted the three of them, snapping Taako out of his trance.

“Oh, newbies! Hell yeah.” He was on his feet in a flash, eyes alert as if nothing had happened. “You know the intro is my fave.” He announced, wiping someone’s lipstick off his mouth with the back of his hand and heading towards the door.

The twins stood, too, though they exchanged an aggravated look as they held on to the elf’s shoulders.

“All right, fine. Let’s play a different game for now.” Edward sighed, teleporting them to meet their new victims.


	5. Chapter 5

On the fourth day, Taako almost snapped.

Edward and Lydia had gone alone to play a bonus round, a game that always bored Taako (no screams, no suffering, what was the point besides delaying the inevitable?) so he’d stayed behind, picking at his manicure as he waited for them to return.

They’d been away for fifteen minutes now, and Taako decided to bake something. The twins didn’t need to eat, but he did, and they’d conjured a kitchen setup in the corner of the room so that he could sizzle it up. He had to summon most of his ingredients, so cooking was rough on his spell slots, but it wasn’t like he was using them for much else.

When they’d been gone a half an hour, the usually dormant itch in the back of Taako’s mind began to wake, and he shook his head to clear his mind, trying to focus on his task.

Another fifteen minutes and the itch was growing insistent, demanding his attention. He felt a sense of foreboding trying to crawl to the forefront of his mind, fighting through his complete and utter contentment.

They’d been gone exactly fifty-eight minutes when the itch infected his body and his limbs, and his legs gave out from underneath him. Something was wrong, something was wrong, something was wrong, he knew in his gut that something was horribly wrong and he was powerless to fix it unless he wasn’t. 

The twins found him on the floor, thrashing and clutching his temples with wild eyes and gritted teeth. His screams kept getting stuck in his throat, pained little noises of effort as he writhed.

Lydia was kneeling beside him in a second, trying to settle her hands on his face but unable to get him to keep still long enough.

“How long were we gone?” She asked, throwing a glance up at Edward, who was standing over Taako’s agonized form. 

“Almost an hour.” He answered. Lydia groaned her panic, grabbing desperately at the wizard.

“I have to recast the charm.” She grabbed a fistful of Taako’s hair and yanked his head into her lap, ignoring his yelp and pushing a hand onto his forehead. He flailed and fought against her, but she held fast. Within moments, he fell slack. 

Taako came to with Edward and Lydia both kneeling over him, Lydia carding her fingers through his hair as his head rested in her lap. Blinking blearily up at them, he was still struggling to catch his breath when Edward spoke up.

“You gave us a fright, there, sweetheart.” He said, leaning down to press a slanted kiss over Taako’s mouth.

The elf grimaced, groggily reaching to touch his lips. “...’s warm.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Your mouth’s not cold.” Taako slurred, moving his hands to try and rub the clouds out of his eyes. “You don’t have to warm up, I don’t mind the cold. I miss...” 

But the itch had subsided and disappeared, and it had taken the end of Taako’s thoughts and a sizable chunk of his heart with it.

“Come on, up we go.” Lydia cooed, and slid her hands under Taako’s back to push him up to a seated position as he twitched and blinked and readjusted to the enchantment. “Why don’t you take the next couple on the wheel? That always cheers you up.” She said, and Taako easily accepted her words as fact.

“Yeah. Yeah, all right.” He mumbled, letting her hands to run comfortingly over his back for a bit longer before standing up. “Which round?”

“This’ll be their third time spinning it.” Edward supplied, and Taako grinned.

“Oh, hell yeah. Shit’s about to pop off.” He said, tossing his hair over his shoulder and offering his hands to help Lydia up. “Wanna come light them the fuck up with me?”

“We’ll meet you out there.” She said, accepting and standing. “Have fun.” With that, she planted her hands on his shoulder and he was whisked away to the wheel room again.

Taako looked down at the already-battered victims and snickered. There was a hulking barbarian man with a missing eye holding the body of a human man who was barely breathing.

Oh, this would be too easy.

“All right, idiots, you know the drill.” He began, but he was cut off as his ears began to quiver. He could hear faint orchestral music sifting through the usual electronic beats that pervaded Wonderland.

The couple beneath him seemed to perk up, too, and Taako froze, trying to listen the soft strains when he realized they weren’t coming from outside at all. The song was in his mind. He stuck his fingers in his ears, furrowing his eyebrows to focus on the music, and he thought he recognized the lilting and somber way it seemed to float.

No one but Johann could have written this.

The melody continued, chasing away the newly reinforced enchantment and scattering any other thoughts until it was all-encompassing and deafening and wonderful. And then it faded, and he heard a piano, joined soon after by a violin. It was a duet, and Taako could feel the romance and the longing and the profundity of it all and it cuts him so deeply that he almost falls to his knees because he knows who wrote this song. He knows and he remembers and he sees.

Taako sees seven birds.


	6. Chapter 6

It took all of ten seconds for a century to cram itself into Taako’s brain, to fit itself neatly in the space it had left behind. In ten seconds, the Starblaster flies through ninety-nine cycles. In ten seconds, his found family fights with him and beside him and for him without fail. In ten seconds, there is someone who looks quite a bit like him right by his side every time he thought he’d been alone. Lup was inserted into every memory he had at a rapid-fire pace- Lup helping him make dinner at their aunt’s house for the few months they’d been able to call it home. Lup sobbing on the side of the road when they’d been kicked out of their third caravan. Lup laughing at the stupid lip sync routine he did for her five minutes later. Lup teasing him endlessly about his first boyfriend. Lup setting the jerk’s hair on fire when he’d become his first heartbreak. Lup holding him when he cried. Lup’s best day ever. Lup there, always. Lup gone, suddenly.

In ten seconds, Taako’s face was messy with tears, and he’d fallen off the platform and onto the ground with the couple standing in front of the wheel, but they were looking at him much differently now. 

Starstruck. Still horrified, but starstruck. 

“Fuck. Shit. Fuck.” Taako deadpanned, getting to his feet and ignoring the way his muscles protested after the fall, nearly rolling his ankle in his heels. “Fuck, I hate these shoes. Why am I wearing these shoes?” His eyes darted around the room, his mind racing. He had to get out of here. He had to get his umbrastaff. “Okay, listen, sorry. I’ve got to- I’ve got to go fucking kill someone. Not you. I’m not sure who yet.” He muttered madly, half to himself. “I’ve got a pretty good idea on where to start though.”

He waved his hand to open a gate in front of him, stepping through back into the twins’ room. They’d been sitting beside one another, clutching onto each other’s hands, and they looked up when he came in.

“Back so soon?” Lydia asked, squinting at him curiously, and he shrugged, keeping his expression neutral.

“I forgot my umbrella. I wanna be prepared if they start anything.” He lied, sweeping his eyes over the room to try and see where it had been squirreled away.

“You could kill either of them with a push.” Edward protested. Taako hesitated a fraction of a second too long as he saw the hooked wooden handle poking out from the kitchen cabinet.

“Duh, but, like, where’s the panache?” He muttered, moving past them to walk towards it and he heard Edward protest behind his back.

“Babe,“ He started, the pet name coming out of his mouth as easily and naturally as it had for the past few days, and it made Taako’s stomach turn. “You sure everything’s okay?”

“Peachy.” Taako spat, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice, trying to keep his ears from twitching. His hand closed around the handle of his staff, and he heard Lydia whispering something, low and frantic. Taako spun around, gripping the umbrella tight and preparing to blast off a spell— and found himself frozen in place, Lydia’s hands outstretched towards him.

“The charm didn’t keep.” She stated, frowning as she looked at Taako, and he struggled silently against her hold. Squeezing his eyes tight, he focused on dispelling the paralyzation. 

“Just cast it again.” Edward shrugged.

“No, I think the jig’s up. It won’t keep after this. Look how angry he is.” Lydia sighed, disappointment clear in her eyes. “We just have to play the old-fashioned way.” 

“Fine. Let’s play.” Taako lifted his umbrella in a swift movement, firing off a magic missile at Lydia. She staggered back as the darts struck her, nearly falling over backwards.   
“Come on, let’s spin the stupid wheel a million times. I have literally nothing. Blow me the fuck up, see if I care!” Before he could blast a second spell, Edward’s hand was around his throat, stopping his half-uttered incantation.

“Someone’s being a bad boy.” He sang, wicked joy in his eyes as Taako clawed at the hand choking him. “That means we’ll have to punish you.” Edward squeezed and stars danced in Taako’s vision as he gasped and squirmed in his grasp. His other hand reached for the front of Taako’s shorts, and if he wasn’t already choking, fear would have stolen the air from his lungs. In a panic, he swung the umbrastaff as hard as he could to collide into the side of Edward’s head. With a sickening crack, he was released onto the floor as the elf reeled back from the blow. Taako looked down at his umbrella and saw that he’d broken it in half. He could have sworn, for a fraction of a second, that it was glowing. 

And then it exploded.

Taako was thrown back against the wall as pyrotechnics lit up the room, and suddenly everything was aflame. He crawled back wildly on his hands, but the fire didn’t come towards him— in fact, it danced away from him, leaving him a wide berth in which to move while the twins burned.

When it finally began to die down, Lup stood in the center of the room, and all the fire was in her eyes.

“Don’t you fucking touch my brother again.”


	7. Chapter 7

Edward and Lydia were knocked back by another fireball from Lup, and then she turned to her twin.

“And you, dingus, I better not hear you talk like that again!” She was still fuming, flames still licking at her fingers as she scolded him. “Scare the shit out of me, why don’t you? Seriously, Koko, I don’t know what—“

She was cut off mid-sentence by Taako slowly pushing himself to his feet, mouth slightly agape, and barreling towards her to wrap his arms around her as tightly as her lich form allowed him to.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Taako whispered, and Lup hugged him back, her hands still warm from the spell.

“Of course I am, dumbass. You needed me.” She replied, and Taako pulled away from her enough to give her a dubious look, hands still on her shoulders. 

“Don’t you try and be all sweet. I’ve been charmed as fuck for the past few days and had my ass handed to me hardcore before that.” He complained, but he was grinning.

“Okay, whatever, but that was a badass entrance, right? When else was I gonna do that?” She teased.

“Literally anytime, babe! Literally whenever would have been fucking great.” 

A spell caught him in the face, knocking him out of his sister’s embrace. He stumbled away, managing to retain his footing even as he felt some of his life force drain away. Edward had one hand extended towards him, and the other wrapped around Lydia as she slumped against him.

“Fine, hold on, let’s do this real quick. Put a pin in this.” Taako muttered, preparing to try and summon a spell in his bare hands (something he’d never quite mastered), but Lup was a step ahead of him.

“Yeah, these idiots aren’t allowed to steal our wonder twin bit.” Before the words were even out of her mouth, she made a wall of fire and sent it flying towards the other elves until it slammed into the both of them, burying them beneath a mountain of flame that would become their funeral pyre.

Taako watched Lydia collapse, watched Edward struggle to escape before he succumbed, as well, but the fire continued to spread, starting to climb up the walls and consuming the furniture.

“Come on!” Taako grabbed Lup’s elbow and pulled her through the still open Arcane Gate, bringing her back into the wheel room. Inside, everything was starting to glitch as the twins’ enchantments disappeared and disintegrate, the black smog clouds above them starting to dissolve. The very walls were starting to crumble and crack, and the pieces that broke off were simply vanishing into thin air. The twins breathed a sigh of relief as they watched Wonderland self-destruct without the power of the liches, leaving themselves and random groups of its victims huddled on the ground of the Felicity Wilds. The burning from within the portal ceased eventually, as well, until there was nothing but ash inside and, atop it all, the pristine and shining Animus Bell. 

Lup didn’t seem too terribly impressed, turning casually to look at her brother. “I don’t like that color on you.”

“The orange?” Taako asked, crinkling up his nose as he fingered the front of his collared shirt. “Yeah, me neither. Shit’s itchy, too. Edward picked it.”

“Gross. The shorts are cute, though.”

“Yeah. I’ma keep them.” He muttered, letting his sleeve drape over his hand as he picked up the bell and shoved it in his pocket. With that taken care off, he pressed a finger to his bracer. “Okay. Uh, let’s see if we can get everybody healed up before our Fantasy Uber gets here.” It blinked red at him and he frowned. “Huh. I can’t get a signal.” He tapped at it impatiently with a nail, but a shriek made him look up in alarm.

All the scattered adventurers were looking into the distance at a figure that had just appeared in the trees. Taako squinted to try and make out anything besides its silhouette until he realized- this being was made of shadow, of moving darkness, of hunger. He felt Lup take his hand.

It was the end of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! This is my longest fic ever, so thanks for sticking with me. I hope you enjoyed the ride! Let me know what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment and let me know what you think!
> 
> Thanks @icaruspoes for being my beta!


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